This looks painful to me

December to Remember

With the holiday season upon us I've found myself making mental lists of what I want to accomplish before the new year. I'm not talking save the world type stuff - just little things that will help ensure this is the best December on record! I've asked my equally festive friends - Dana, Rach and Del - to share their hopes and dreams with me and here's what we've come up with:

Rachel:

1. Find some mistletoe
2. Get lots of presies from Del, Mere and Dane
3. Wear lots of sequins ala the Bar Mitzvah of 2003
4. Ice skate in Bryant Park
5. Try not to get my tongue stuck on the pole when I get double-dog dared
6. Bake for everyone
7. Canoodle with Del by the fireplace (hot!)
8. Totally embarrass myself at the company holiday party
9. Spike the cider
10.Toss back some brews with the labs at Chumleys

Dana:

1. Go to the gym. Yes that's usually a new years goal, but please, I
signed up in Sept and have only gone once. The inner tube around my
waist ain't shrinking with all the holiday parties
2. Fix the racing stripe on my head that is my roots
3. Try not to lose my job. This blog might just do that for me.
4. Buy something other than the Lord of the Rings for my pops for
Christmas. Why were there only three movies! Back to wallets and ties I guess....
5. Eat a turducken for a holiday meal
6. Figure out how a horse could kill a man via sex
7. Get kissed under a mistletoe (awwwwwwww- see I can be sweet)
8. Party like it's 1999.
9. Accomplish all of Jay's roommate Kyle's New Year's goals from 2005.
Two of them being "join a gang" and "fuck that shit"
10.Rinse and Repeat

Meredith:

1. Find the perfect reindeer sweater
2. Get stuck in a blizzard
3. Go to at least 4-5 holiday parties each week (maybe even in one night!)
4. Actually see a car with a giant red bow attached to the roof
5. Bring back whiskey game night
6. Watch Love Actually and Bridget Jones at least 5 times each
7. Have a snowball fight where Dana may or may not end up in a pile of garbage
8. Avoid Macy's like the plague
9. Take a trip to makeout city under the mistletoe
10.Form a band and/or write a musical

Del:

1. Piss in the punch bowl
2. Ring in the New Year in NYC
3. Presents - give some and receive some
4. Make it to a Yo La Tengo Hanukkah show at Maxwells
5. Try and actually like some sort of nog drink
6. To not look like the Christmas ham
7. Get the eff out of Dallas
8. Get my snuggle on with you know who
9. Have my car be healthy
10.Kidnap a child while he/she waits in line for a photo with Santa

Wow, aren't we all ambitious?!?!?!?!

"What'syerfavoritesongoftheday":

Del - The Universal/Blur
Dana - Insistor/Tapes n' Tapes
Rach - Juicebox/The Strokes
Mere - Coffee & TV/Blur

Dear Daylight Savings Time- You're Fucking My Shit Up, Yo!

Dear Daylight Savings Time,

I have a bone to pick with you. It's 4p and I'm tired. And do you know why I'm tired? Hmmmmm? No, it's not because of the bed bug epidemic. No, it's not because I pulled an all nighter last night with three hookers and a doobie. And no, it's not because I'm so beautiful, but thank you, I appreciate it.

DST- it's because it's only 4p and it feels like it's bedtime. WTF, man? I don't care about the Earth traveling at a closer arc to the Sun. I care about my energy levels going down when I should be hitting full stride. Instead of gearing up for a fun night out, I'm already pussing out and getting in my jammies. I'm gonna go ahead and blame you for anything that I perform lazily on from now until I get to Spring forward. DAMN YOU FALL BEHIND.

Cranky (weird...) and unmotivated (weird again...),
Wisco

And now on a lighter note. TPMs announces their "What'syerfavoritesongoftheday" segment.

Del- The Magnificent Seven/ The Clash

Rach- Flip/Apollo Sunshine

Meredith- Formed A Band/ Art Brut

Dana- I'll Believe In Anything/ Wolf Parade

It's only rock and roll

Last night I decided to get rid of some Dallas boredom and check out the Rolling Stones concert. The American Airlines Center is just a ten minute walk from my place so I hoofed it even though it is starting to get a bit chilly here. After 10 minutes or so I scalped an upper level ticket for $40 and proceeded inside. Merle Haggard had cancelled for some reason so I got to see Delbert McClinton instead (do you think I was named after this guy?) Now I would say that I have amassed a pretty extensive collection of concert setlists over the years and thought that a Rolling Stones one would be a pretty good addition, so when 'ol Delbert finished up (thank Christ) I thought I would try to ask the soundboard guy if I might be able to have one. I ended up walking right down to the floor and security didn't say anything to me so I kept going closer. I ended up meeting a really nice couple in their late 40s- Bernadette and Tony who told me that they were both very "relaxed" due to smoking a lot of weed before the show. Awwwww, I love old people. Anyway, I told them that my seats were up in the nose bleeds and that if I could stay close that I would appreciate it. They seemed cool. Tony even bought me a beer. He said "here you go, a Budweiser. It will make you wiser." Did I mention that I love stoned Dad humor? Unfortunately, as is often the case, someone actually wanted to sit in their $1500 seat so I had to leave the nice couple. Back to the drawing board, I was not ready to give up and sit in my shit seats so I try again. In a few minutes I meet another older blonde (wasted) Dallas lady (shocker!) that flirtingly tells me that I can sit with her and her husband. She tells me very loudly, "its the Rolling Stones!!!! I'm SO EXCITED that you made it down here!" She then proceeds to have me sit in her seat and she then sits IN MY LAP with her husband (named Duff) right next to me. The lights go down and the show starts and everyone stands up. I'm dancing around a little bit and then Duff turns to me and says pretty menacingly "Hey Adam, don't you think you've worn out your welcome here?" Hmmm, ok Duff I am picking up on that subtle hint of yours so I find another seat. The whole thing was pretty great. Jesus, its only the fucking Rolling Stones right? The show started off a little bit sloppy but the boys found their groove by the time they covered Ray Charles and then hit the B-stage to play "Miss You" and "Get Off My Cloud" and then do all the songs that I'm pretty sure they have to play. As soon as"Satisfaction" ends the roof of the building seemed to explode with tons of streamers coming down covering the entire arena. In this confusion I made it to the very front row hoping to get my prized set list. Even with all the people on stage it looks like there are only like 3 or 4 setlists up there in total. I see one of the background singers grab one and fold it up and then she tosses it into the crowd. It is at this point that I basically make a diving catch backwards and as soon as I do so I trip over this kid in a wheelchair. Whoops. I mean I couldn't see him with all the streamers and shit and well, I really just couldn't see him. Needless to say his family didn't seem too happy with me. Turns out there's nothing worse than angry wheelchair parents. Their scorn is now burnt into me permanently. Sorry kid, my bad. 30 seconds later I get a text message from my friend that read "nice grab"- he saw the whole thing go down on the big screen TV. I am such an idiot.



Please note on the setlist that they put Keith's initials on the songs that he is supposed to sing because let's face it, he could easily forget. Also please note the autograph of touring keyboardist Chuck Leavell. It was already autographed when I caught the setlist.

I told Noah about the show and about all the songs they did. Told him about how it still wasn't as good as the Madison Square Garden show, but that they did play "Shattered". His reply: "like the legs of the dude you fell over." Ouch. Very ouch. The remainder of the night was spent with my new friend Trevor (see pic below) drinking whisky. Just look at that 'stache!!!!!!! We had met once before in Austin and I spotted him as I was walking out. He is in a band called Lions. They have a page on myspace. This pic was taken during the ACL after party. So to clear up any confusion, no Rachel was not in town last night, but I really wished that she was. Trevor was with his friend PJ who was on some mushrooms and apparently the show changed his life.

Deck the Balls

In honor of Jay's first attempt at naming this party- we let it live on in the title to this post. See you all on Friday!

(except for Del who will be attending via satellite from Dallas-

you better keep your hands where we can see 'em!!!)

My cousin, the pimp

My cousin Ryan flanked by the Hilton sisters. Yowza!!!
Meanwhile... here's my fantasy date. Me and Gene Ween and a bottle of whiskey

...think about it.

Thanksgiving Delays

Since Rach is "stuck" in Gainsville for one more day, the photo contest is being delayed until tomorrow. I know all of you were holding your breath in anticipation of our Ansel Adams-like portraits, so in the meantime, here's the newest addition to my extended family:

Meet Lily Stepke... she may or may not have just taken a doodie in her pants.
Yep, I think she did...

It seems like just yesterday I was able to crap in my pants...

OR WAS IT (happy, jamal?)!

Top Songs of 2005

These are my Top 30 Favorite Songs for this year:

30. Fistful of Love- Antony and the Johnsons
29. I Bet You Look Good On the Dancefloor- Arctic Monkeys
28. Spit It Out- Brendan Benson
27. I Want It All- dios (malos)
26. Tribulations- LCD Soundsystem
25. Maybe You Can Owe Me- Architechture in Helsinki
24. One Thing- Amerie
23. 16 Military Wives- The Decemberists
22. Company Dance- Sam Champion
21. Bees- Caribou
20. Baby C'Mon- Stephen Malkmus
19. Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand
18. Hell Yes- Beck
17. Heartbeat- Annie
16. The Girl's Atractive- Diamond Nights
15. Don't Run Our Hearts Around- Black Mountain
14. Mushaboom- Feist
13. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
12. These Are the Fables- New Pornographers
11. The Comeback- Shout Out Louds
10. My Doorbell- The White Stripes
9. Wordless Chorus- My Morning Jacket
8. I Predict A Riot- Kaiser Chiefs
7. Daft Punk Is Playing At My House- LCD Soundsystem
6. Chicago- Sufjan Stevens
5. I Turn My Camera On- Spoon
4. I'll Believe in Anything *- Wolf Parade
3. Dare- Gorillaz
2. Banquet- Bloc Party
1. Galang- M.I.A.

*Dana Erickson's # infinity song of the year

Honorable mentions:
Today is the Day- Apollo Sunshine
Helicopter- Bloc Party
I Ain't Sayin My Goodbyes- Tom Vek
Come On Feel the Illinois- Sufjan Stevens
I Summon You- Spoon
Na Na Na Na Naa- Kaiser Chiefs
Anytime- My Morning Jacket
Someday- Ween
Forever Lost- The Magic Numbers
This Year- Mountain Goats
Upon This Tidal Wave of Young Blood- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Extraordinary Machine- Fiona Apple
You Are A Runner and I Am My Father's Son- Wolf Parade
Set Us Free- Black Mountain
Sunshowers- M.I.A.
Mr. November- The National
Use It- The New Pornographers
George Bush Don't Like Black People- The Legendary K.O.
Landlocked Blues- Bright Eyes
Clinically Dead- Chad VanGaalen

Thanks for Giving... ME THE RUNS!

( I meant to put up a photo of a turkey,

but instead I accidentally put a photo of George Whipple up- enjoy!)

Hear Ye Hear Ye. Announcing the First Annual T-Giving Photo Contest

The Challenge: capture your town's typical Thanksgiving scene.
The Challengers: Dana from Wisconsin, Rachel from Gainsville Flordia, Del from Dallas, and Meredith from Agora Hills, CA.

If your feel like you can reach my expectations on what a.) a good photo is and b.) is funny, then by all means send me your tgives photo.

Good Luck and God Speed my little Gobble Gobbles!

p.s. I was going to go on and on about how great Sam Champion were last night at the Merc, but I won't because a.) Noah just called me a lesbian.. not that there's anything wrong with that, and b.) four words WHERE WAS CHEADLE BUG?

p.p.s. Thanks to Del for turning me onto Tapes 'n Tapes. They are sooooo good I puked in my mouth a lil.

Who will direct?

Meredithhellman: sup del
adammandel200: sup
Meredithhellman: awesome post
adammandel200: handies from myrtle
Meredithhellman: i just added a comment
Meredithhellman: ew, sick - her voice is terrifying
adammandel200: her voice skeevs me out
adammandel200: the next movie is all about her raping Hogwarts kids
Meredithhellman: totally - rachel is excited for the kids to start having sex
adammandel200: exactly
adammandel200: Harry Potter-Hogwarts Gone Wild. Double vagina, double anal
Meredithhellman: omg, you just ruined harry potter for me
adammandel200: ha
adammandel200: ha i could totally make the preview. Hermione: "things will never be the same will they Harry?"
adammandel200: voiceover: (theyve been thru a lot in their 4 yrs but nothing could prepare them for a fifth year at Hogwarts. This time things get Hairy!!!!!")
adammandel200: it would break records
Meredithhellman: omg, brilliant - there are def porns that play on the harry potter movies
adammandel200: i'm sure
adammandel200: and I will rent them

To the people of NYC who like good music tonight is a no-brainer. Sam Champion at the Mercury Lounge at 9 p.m. and while yours truly will NOT be accompanying them on the cowbell, I will be there in spirit.
Speaking of 'in spirit' did anyone notice in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire that it seemed like Moaning Myrtle was trying to give Harry a handie when he was in the water? Was I the only person who found this very uncomfortable/hot?

I Blame You Jim

Last night's Green Bay loss to the Vikings didn't hurt as much as I thought it would, because I firmly believe that Jim McMahon's heinous jacket was to blame. The man was inexplicably standing on the sidelines during the showdown, so if anyone has a photo of it, because believe you me- I have been searching in vain, please send it along. Words can not do justice to the roadkill-meets-rodeo jacket he was sporting. It was thoroughly distracting to the Packers, and especially my man B. Favre. Every time he went to throw, his vision was either a.) blinded by the tassels swinging off McMahon's leather jacket or b.) tricked into thinking there were two dead foxes propped on his massive shoulders. Meanwhile, the wide receivers were too busy running for their lives thinking it was 1987 and Don "The Majik Man" Majkowski was their quaterback again. (after further research... it was pointed out to me that the man standing next to McMahon was no other than The Majik Man himself- whoooops!)

And so my friends, blame not Brett Favre's susceptibility to interceptions and our lack of defense by men who look like Tracy Chapman (sorry Al Harris, u know i luf u), blame the one who led da Bears to victory and the Super Bowl Shuffle's inability to dress himself.

Flashback: Office cubicles around the nation circa 2002

If you were wondering why Brian danced for Peter to make him laugh in last night's hilarious (as usual) episode of Family Guy. You'll understand why here.

Enjoy!!!

Zang!

For some reason I seem to keep getting into conversations about "Wayne's World" over the last few weeks. I knew I had to put it at the top of my Netflizzys queue and I watched it yesterday. That movie is still funny as hell.

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
Alice Cooper: I think its interesting that Milwaukee is the only city to have elected three socialist mayors.
Wayne Campbell: Does this guy know how to party or what??!

Outlaw Sparks, for the love of God just do it!

Can someone please banish Sparks off the face of the Earth pretty please? Judging by Friday night's party- consumption of this beverage causes one to:
a. Dance like they are Kate Moss on cocaine at Orchard Bar until 4a.
b. tell Dana to shut up and that it can't always be about her (thanks jay!)
c. dry heave throughout dinner 24 hours later over her Memphis Dry Rub (me!)
d. barf before 10p- holler Noah!

wait come to think of it- it was totesprobsmaybs the best night of my life. I owe ya Sparks!

Weekend Injury Report

This is my first ever post - holla!

I may not be in the NFL but my weekend injuries are far worse than Brooks Bollinger's silly little concussion. That dude can't play anyway - he tortured me as a Wisconsin Badger and now he's crushing the hopes of Jet's fans everywhere.

Here is my current status:

1. Broken toe
2. Strained muscle in my back
3. Countless bruises

What can I say - I'm accident prone and I dance like a spazz when intoxicated.
Peace out,
Megadeth Hellman

Eff the hippies

Here's some notes I took at last year's Jammy awards. The longest night of my life.

THE 4th ANNUAL JAMMY AWARDS
The Theatre at Madison Square Garden, New York City
March 16, 2004

Award for biggest wank-a-thon is a tie between Dickie Betts and Derek Trucks. Who am I kidding? They're both wankers.

Slick Rick performed with the Disco Biscuits which was both horrible and hilarious at the same time.

Solomon Burke had to get wheeled out on a throne because he's so damn fat.

Edie Brickell sang a little bit but looked so bored during the 10 minute guitar solo that you could see her making mental notes for her grocery list for the next day: "What else? Oh yeah, Paul wanted me to pick up some brie. Can't forget the brie."

There was an award for best live show, which I think is sort of redundant. As soon as this was announced the hippies in the audience just started yelling out random dates: "Dude, 2/28/03!"- unfortunately that wasn't one of the nominees.

There was actually a category called the "New Groove Award" which is amazing enough. A band called Psychedelic Breakfast took home the prize beating out such other "winners" as Raisinhill, Hot Butter Rum String Band and Nero. These are really their names, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. I was laughing so hard when they announced each name that I yelled out "they aren't even trying anymore!!!" Apparently all you have to do to become a jam band is pick some lame hippie name and add some sort of food to it i.e. Butternut Squash Groove Odyssey- then proceed to wanking. Before you know it, its award time.
I think the awards must have gone on for over 5 hrs. I only made it thru about 2.

Let's see, what's next? Uh, more wanking. Jesus, am I bored. I am standing up only to give the band a proper "thumbs down". Meanwhile the hippies are loving it.

Flavor Flav was supposed to be in the hizzie, but he cancelled at the last minute. I think he realized that what little street cred he has left would be tarnished forever if he went on stage with Widespread Hispanic (an actual band).

Yawn.

Weekend Preview and Assorted Cheese Spreads

Hi Everyone! Happy Friday!

I got a new ipod today and was able to watch a new episode of CSI last night so my spirits are running high. Before we dig into our weekend plans, I just want to thank CBS for making me cry not once, but twice, last night. First CSI and then the riveting Without a Trace. Kudos my friends, kudos. Greg from CSI (pictured above) is my current obsession. He's from Milwaukee- I plan to stalk and make him mine this T-Gives, so if you have any leads on his whereabouts... lemme know!

Rachel, however, was not brought to tears by Channel 2 on Time Warner Cable, because she was partaking in not one, but two, bday parties last night.
Her summation?
scott melker's hip-hop party at plan b: $3 cocktails till midnight and all the "aint nothin but a g thang" you can handle. Spot#2 was fat baby, its cool inside but it was kinda empty. That's all.

Now for the weekend preview:
Tonight party party, drunk drunk. (tho Dana likes to veg out on the csi marathong)
Gators are playing MSG- Rach shows her Florida pride!

saturday- I'm gonna hawk my wares at a music industry panel. Do I know what I'm talking about? Probs not.
Kickball game after.
Rach gets to see Harry Potter- what the deuce!

Sunday- my goal is to see Harry Potter.
Rach's goal- make out with Ron Weasly. Don't be jel.

Updateroooooni

1. The tampons have been boxed up and are currently being shipped to Italy. Christian has dubbed it PROJECT BUILD UP: Stopping the flow all over the world.

2. This explains it all . Jaime and I decided that a once a week coke binge should leave us looking smooth, sleek and with perky tits a la Moss. Diet starts tomorrow. Taco Bell tonight.

3. I had a waitress who had large jugs... and on the receipt her name was Becky Boobs. Wow. Just call me Dana Melons.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Morning!

Noah Champion says his farts smell like an egg and cheese sandwich right now. And he didn't even eat one. Oh the cruel irony! wait, is that the proper way to use the word irony? please discuss. welcome back noah and the rest of Sam Champion! I'm sure your tiny little tour van had plenty of egg and cheese smells as well as a smattering of others (cough...jack...cough).